I am really sorry to have to blog in such a sad mood all the time and letting people read about my bleak perspective on life. I do not want to bottle up everything and write about a life that Im not living, and live in self denial. So here I go again about my sad story. This entry is the bare and startling truth. You are advised NOT to read on...

Ok. What's the matter with me? I'm constantly struggling to define my purpose in life. Most of the time, it seems to me that the sole aim for me is to lose weight, be the slim and sporty girl that I keep dreaming that I can be. I still feel guilty after bingeing. Funny thing how I do not feel as guilty when I am actually in the act. I just finished an entire cake. Overnight. And it's huge I tell you. And I was eating it close to bedtime. I know that somehow. Deep down, I do not want to do this to myself. It is not only unhealthy. It totally eats into my spirit. At first, when I eat the first few mouthfuls, it makes me happy. Suddenly, I didn't have to think about all the nonsense in my life. How my mum hurts me. How I detest coming home. How I just have so little confidence in myself. And get so easily jealous when people are more talented than me when they were not before. How I imagine myself to be able to do better things in my life other than killing myself with FooD and the weight issue. How I could have been more confident to pursue the things that Im interested in.

Somehow, I guess I keep eating so that I am occupying my mind. I seem to be able to block out all the nonsense when I keep chewing. BUt once I stop chewing, everything comes back, together with a new addition to my problems- the sickening feeling of guilt that makes my whole life feel meaningless all over again. It's just a vicious cycle. And here I am. stuck in it. Not being able to get out.

After a horrific binging event, I will start feeling guilty. usually I will start thinking of all the ways that I can lose whatever I just forced into my body. Yes. it's sounds silly. But I do feel that I am forcing myself to eat most of the time. I will think up of all the many different exercises that I would do the next day and the next and the next. But when i go to sleep and wake up the next morning, I just forget about those ' punishment' plans I made the previous night and start eating again.

I think I have a very very big problem. Even though I have friends who tell me that it is ok to eat and not let food bring me down. But how would they know? They will never be able to fully comprehend.

I think I should seek some professional help. But I do not dare to approach any senior in church for fear of revealing my problem. Am I undergoing mild depression? I don't even know. I just read from a book about happiness today. It said that if you think that you are sad, you will really feel sad. It is the thought that arises before the emotion. So your brain has authority over your heart, and actions. I guess that's quite true in my case at least. Most of the time, I think that I am depressed, therefore, I do things that reflect my thoughts which in turn make me feel those feelings.

I have tried talking to GOD about this issue. But I guess, I simply can't find the faith within me to believe in a breakthrough. Time and time and again i try to tell myself to just BELIEVE and have faith. But I just let the devil on the left side of my brain( which tells me that I can't believe) win. WHY! FAITH. A word that i would love to have in my heart and live by everyday. Yet one which I hate to think about because I always think that I do not have it.