Today's the eve of Chinese new year. I'm really happy to announce that I don't have reunion dinner this year. My parents ate before I came home. Which was so expected since I told them that I might never come home today. Ever. Yes. I was thinking of killing myself today. Or rather, vanishing forever. But I guess I know that suicide is not the solution. And it is wrong. And I'm a scarey-cat. I daren't even donate blood.

Sis Ade called today. Just as I was napping. Somehow. I dreaded that call. I had to hide. She sounded so happy over the phone. I didn't want to kill her joy by telling her that I'm suffering from a bad case of self-inflicted depression. If I were to even say a word regarding my actual situation, I think I would burst out crying horribly before I even say a word. I would at the least, stun her. At the most, cause a spontaneous abortion. Hence, i choose to lie. God will understand.

Anyway,i left home in the afternoon just knowing that I didnt want to go back today. Or forever. But as I walked aimlessly down the streets of sengkang, I realised that sooner or later I will end up going back. Coz I'm a scarey cat after all remember? Going to a friend's house to stay would be such a shame. All of a sudden, I just felt like I had no one to turn to. I cannot being myself to tell anyone and make them unhappy because of me. At first, I contemplated going to the airport. But when the bus 27 came, I wasn't so sure that I wanted to go there anymore. Then I saw 86, and got up and ended up on AMK instead. I went to MOS burger, bought a drink and sat myself down. I took out my textbook and started reading. I found my peace then.

I stayed there for about three hours. Then I left and decided to take a walk. And I found that most of the shops were closed. It was such a sad situation. And what an idiot I am. For goodness sake, it's the eve of chinese new year! And all these chinese shopowners will definitely be home for reunion dinner! Fortunately, I have GIORDANO, BOSSINI,HANG TEN, MACDONALD's, 7-ELEVEN and of course not forgetting MOS burger to humour me.

ANYWAY, retail therapy sure worked. I can't believe that I spent $43 on a giordano pants. Without even thinking TWICE! I'm CRAZY.

I took a bus home. But when I got of at my stop, I walked about 5 steps in the direction of home before detouring and taking the LRT to compass pt instead. Thank God for the concession. I could take an LRT without feeling a pinch in my pocket. ANyway, Idiotic me realised that the detour was a wrong decision. It was a horrible waste of time. When I got there, I saw my 'good friends' again- HANG TEN and GIORDANO and MOS( unfortunately, BOSSINI betrayed me and was closed).

Eventually, I walked home. Hoping to waste as much time as possible. And in a way, I was testing to see if they would wait for me to be home for dinner. BUt again. What an IDIOT I was. Of course they DIDN't wait. Who was I to them anyway? Nothing but someone else's unwanted girl.

But perhaps. I shouldn't expect so much of them. They have done alot for me. I should be grateful. I know that I can only have them to thank for making it to the UNI and knowing a person called Jesus Christ. They have raised me well. It's just that I just hope, that sometimes, they will appreciate my presence more. I know it sounds egocentric or narccicistic of me. But really. I just want to know if they still care whether I'm alive or not. Coz I do.