Meaningless.
Everything.
Why is it that other people have things going on so nicely for them?
WHY?
Why is it that other people just seem to have more people caring for them?
Why is it that they have normal mothers while I dont?
Why is it that I have a mother who is perpetually OBSESSED with housework and other than giving me $ and food, doesn't care a hoot about whether everything else was going on well in my life?
Yes. maybe she assumes that I am independent enough to take care of all the other matters in my own life.
True. I wouldn't want her to poke her nose into everything I do.
But somehow, I just wish that she would bother more.
Not in terms of whether I had clothes to wash or food to eat.
Sometimes i wish that she would just shut up and stop babbling on about the 'nice' food that she has brought home just to fatten me up.
I can't help but feel that she's doing everything she can just to kill me.
Just to kill my self-esteem and morale that is (And just maybe, ultimately, make me kill myself). Anyway, back to the point. Sometimes, I just wish I could hear a " How has school been for you? Do you want to go out for dinner together this weekend?". Why is it that I am always the one asking if they are free for dinner? WHy is it that I am always the one who is so concerned about trying to keep this 'family bonding' idea together? WHY?!! Don't they treasure it? It doesn't mean that when I am grown up and they are old that we are no longer a family isn't it? Bonds do not fade away with time. Or perhaps, they do in my case. But was there even a bond to start off with?

Hmm. At this point, I must admit that after all these years, I still do sound like an angsty youth. Well, I still have one more year left before I officially leave the adolescent stage and enter into the next phase of life. So, I guess my immaturity is still pardonable, excuse me.

Up till now, I'm still trying to figure out what have I got i this life. Everyday, the same things that make me feel unhappy happen. If I had a good day outside, It would be ruined totally by the time I reach home. Perhaps my decision to stay out should be permanent afterall. The reason why I returned was that I sort of had this tugging feeling in my heart, the need to try to establish, or if i were desperate enough, I would say, 'salvage' whatever mother-daughter or father-daughter ties that still remained. But I seem to be quite a failure. Nothing's changed. We still live like virtual strangers. It's really sad to say that when we have that rare family dinner and short outing to the nearby mall, the feeling is almost surreal. I can't seem to convince myself that I am actually having a happy time with mum and pap.haa. Perhaps, they should invent a virtual reality family game. Whereby whenever you crave to feel the love of a family, you turn to the computer game which provides life-like mamas and papas that love you like you've never been loved before, and comfort your lonely, neglected heart.

p.s.I anticipate more melancholic and depressing posts ahead. So. Switch to other blogs if you do not want to hear of anymore immature rantings of an adolescent struggling in transit to adulthood.