This is it. Im 21. Ha. And guess how I spent the day?
A total waste.
Was trying to mug at home.
Ended up being frustrated when I couldn't solve my math questions.
Then I ended up watching my Hong Gil Dong which left me unsatisfied with the ending.
What was worse is that I didn't intend to stay home at all.
I ponned classes.
Which made me feel all the more dejected and demoralised.
Just because I just felt utterly miserable and disgusted with myself.
Miserable coz I had so much to do.
Disgusted because of how I handled stress.
Great.
Now where has all the faith and authority gone to?

Then there were all those smses.
They sounded so full of life and happiness.
Why didn't I feel the least teeny bit of happiness when I got them when I should be?
The more they came, the more I dreaded reading them.
But yet I kept checking my phone to see who else remembered.
I kept checking, even when there were no messages.
Just so that I could take assurance in the fact that I mattered to some people.
And maybe feel a little less miserable.
But no.
I still felt the same.
I didn't even want to reply them.
I just felt like I was a living dead.

This entire day.
I woke up.
Gobbled up all my birthday treats or rather, sins, from mum.
Then gobbled up practically anything that was edible at home.
I almost thought of frying my terrapin for some exotic amphibian dish.
ARGH.
ARGH!
ARGH!!!!
I hate myself.
My disgusting self.
It's weird.

The celebration yesterday felt like a dream.
Rachael doesn't get such celebrations.
Rachael's a no-lifer.
I actually felt compelled to act more spontaneous than usual yesterday.
Sorry to disappoint my dear friends if you come to know of this.
I really loved the celebration.
It's just that,
It kindda felt surreal to me admist the exam stress.
YEah.

Even when I dressed up for school yesterday,
I didn't feel 100% me.
I'm low-key.
Boring.
Period.
But I don't deny that I felt pretty for that day.
I felt good about myself that day.
I felt that life was really looking up for me that day.
But it didn't last.
Perhaps.
I give up too easily.

I so want to live my life properly.
I so want to be enthusiastic and zealous!
Why is it that I have to keep struggling with my inner demons????
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that issue about tongues.
I've come to a point where I have nothing to say.
I don't deny that I tried.
There were times during worship when I somehow managed to mumble some things.
It felt natural.
Yet I wondered if I was simply speaking because I have been surrounded by so many people who know the language and probably just 'learned and adapted' it.
Is this a sign of lack of faith?
Drats.
How am I ever going to be a " good and faithful servant" at this rate?

When will I snap out of this old self and claim the victory and authority given to me?

I really wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up with a new character, new personality, new body, new zest for life, new faith.

Is this the "valley of the shadow of death" that i created for myself?
When will I receive the promise that "the Lord is my shepherd" and " I shall not be in want?"
When will I be happy?
When will I be satisfied?
I seriously think the search for the happiest person in Singapore is such a scam.
I think people can neverbe truly 100% happy unless they are in heaven.
This dark world can never offer you all the happiness in the world.
True happiness comes from God.
I guess I really don't know and don't lean on God enough.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
And yet.
I don't act.