WHERE AM I? WHERE ARE YOU?

I am sick of writing such posts. But here I am again.
Caving in.

Where am I. Where am I.

I hate home.
Home is the place where I lose my will to live.
Home is a place where I find no rest.
Home is a place where I am only made to feel like a useless person.
A notorious princess.
An unwelcomed guest.
A nuisance.
A burden.
A monster.
An unfilial daughter.
Am I?
Am I really such a burden?
Am I really such a nuisance?

I feel that my presence just brings unrest for those at home.
The mother.
Oh.
How I really want to say that I hate her.
She makes me feel like shit.
SHIT!
She makes me feel like a delinquent.
A good-for-nothing.
She makes me feel like I am a huuuuuuuge burden to her.
Like my presence will drive her to her grave.
Like I am hindering her from living a better life.
WHY!
WHY!!!!!!!!!
Someone tell me WHY!

How I wish.
I could come home.
Have my mum greet me with a smile.
Ask me how my day went.
Tell me that today she will let me do the washing(no matter how much I suck at it).
Supports me in my quest for a healthy diet by buying less food home.
I hate it when she buys the food. Then says that I am heartless for not leaving some for her when I gobble everything up.
She makes me feel like I'm some rich merchant stealing from a street beggar.
*--*
Am I suffering from some eating disorder?
Am I normal?
I once said a firm"NO" to oily fried food and stuff.
Now, I seem to make a deliberate choice to eat, unhealthy(just that no one knows).
Just as everyone around me is getting healthier and skinner.
Stupid fools!
Who can resist the greatest evil of this world.
Or at least, in mine.
FOOD.
Even my best friend thinks that I am a health freak.
But really.
I am not.
Just that.
I feel guilty for gorging over all the evils one day, while alone.
And make up for it by eating healthy only in the presence of people.(just to maintain my 'image'. Crap. I have no image to talk about anyway! Well, now you know.)
ARGH!
*curse! curse! curse! curse!*
-----------------------------------------------------
So much inside of me.
Take it.
Just take it.
I'm so tired of living
This "perfect" life that I imagine
I want to run to the mountain top
To scream! To shout!
Close my eyes
And just fly to You.
Only You recognise me.
Only you can heal me.
Why is it I still feel so helpless.
Day after day.
They come and haunt me.
I use pain.
To extinguish those thoughts and feelings.
But they just won't go!
I would just die to be rid of those voices.

Where am I in the midst of all this?
I am clearly not with God.

" Draw near to me and I will draw near to you"
" if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me."

Am I not searching hard enough?
Now Lord,
now's my turn to ask,
"Where are you?"