Reflections

I must say that I wasn't prepared for exams this time round. Whatever I had expected to take place did take place. My greatest fears foretold and fulfilled. I have tried to resist so many times. Done whatever I think I can to just 'cast out' if I may put it, all the negative thoughts. This whole episode felt like a battle to me. Every day, I fought. And everyday, I felt that I lost. Every tiny victory was overwhelmed by a devastating defeat.

+ the battle on the wall +

The main conflict was trying to honor God in two areas at the same time. Studies and spirit. If I honoured God in my spirit, so will I in my studies. Most of the time, its the opposite case. Then I am left feeling like there's no meaning doing well in my studies if I I am not doing well with God.

But I know I have got to persevere. Because the closer we are to God,the more the enemy becomes insecure and the fiercer his attacks will be. But I will not be afraid. I will fight on. Because ultimately, the battle has already been won. At the cross. The blood of Jesus has washed away every inequity, cleansed every sin, purified, made spotless and refined like sliver and gold.

I have got to keep going. I have got to hold on. Hold on to His hand. Grab it tightly and not let go. No. Jesus will never let go of me. The dream where his hand was drifting further away was just, a lie.

"Jesus loves me this I know. For the bible tells me so"

I belong to the King. Not to anyone else.

I must say that I have never received so much encouragement in my entire life.
Almost every other day someone was sms-ing me to cheer me on.
Or calling me to ask of me.
It seems the people around me are much stronger than I am.
I am glad to have them to lean on.
But ultimately, I know the One whom I have to lean on the most is Jesus.
Am I leaning on Him enough?
Or even, at all?

I do not know the answers.
As to when or how am I going to get out of this.
Jesus has already set me free.
I will keep pressing in.
I will wait upon Him
I will SURRENDER to Him.
For now,
I need to Focus on the cross.

+ but still LOVED +