Of friendship

Friendship can be such a thing to love and yet such a thing to hate. Often times I have always thought of myself as the greatest friend to have ever on earth, but only if my own convenience allows it. But the same can not be said of my expectations of others. Perhaps, I expect too much. Thinking that my friends will never experience the same inconvenience as I do and are forever 'available'.

Sometimes, I wonder if i try too hard. To be the nicest friend around. Befriending people whom others would not want to befriend. Whom others laugh at. Whom others judge simply because of the person's appearance and antics. And I think that I am being Miss congeniality by trying to be friendly with her, and guess what, I end up being disappointed by her. Perhaps, my need to befriend her stems from my own insecurity of losing my own batch of 'friends'. Perhaps, the oddball was meant to be my spare tyre. Now i am really starting to sound mean. But hey. I am not the meanest around at least. I think.

But really, I just wished that no one would discrimminate anyone just for their apperance. I was rather disappointed by one of those friends who were supposedly christian and totally, did not act like it at all. Imagine, six people, two cabs. How will you split up? 3 to 3 right? Well she suggested 4 to 2. 4- her own clique. 2- just me and the 'oddball'. Well, I must admit that I have an issue with the $, but that aside, I had this feeling that she was discrimminating the poor girl. I don't know. Maybe its me and my 'Equal World' view again. But hey, why that hostility? And to call her a fellow sister in Christ??

Well anyways, I am over it.

Sometimes, I feel that making friends has become so much like a business transaction. Its like, everyone somehow or the other, want to get something out of it for himself or herself- and its not companionship I am talking about. For example, if a friend was being nice and lent you money for a day, and when you fail to repay the person back the next day, he hounds you like a loanshark. Ok. maybe after a week. and a bus ticket at stake. blah. Whatever it is, your friends just never seem understanding enough. And it's really sad. But I have tried figuring this out on my own and have reached no final conclusion. Sometimes, I am highly tempted to think that cliques are made up of highly insecure individuals except for maybe the 'leader of the pack'. Yea. It's like, you split them apart, and they lose their identity. They don't know who they are anymore. They become so dependent on their leader that they have no courage to step out on their own. Or maybe, they do have individual identities which are encouraged to be showcased by being in a group, which may be good or bad.

I comment from the point of view of a person who has been in, and more often, out of cliques. Well I have struggled trying to find my own identity in the group. And my final conclusion is this, I'm better off on my own. Though sometimes, I do get this itchy feeling of wanting to be in a big warm group where people love each other equally and are totally understanding. Well, that's only going to happen in heaven I guess.

So for now, I will just stay happy being my own best friend. And keep reminding myself that actually, I am not alone. I still have Jesus. Right now, I feel that I need to align my focus to pleasing God, before I even start to think of pleasing the world.