LIFE In the third week of ApRIL

It's a long long journey,
Till I know where I'm gonna be.
It's a long long journey,
and I don't know if I can believe..
I know I will falter,
I know I will cry;
But I know all will be okay,
with God by my side....

Recently, I feel strange. I've been experiencing fluctuating moods. I can just have sudden temperamental outbursts like what happened today. I can start to feel the long accelerating tension overflow...Seeing everyone around me finish all their tutorials and being so conscientious makes me uneasy all over...I'm inevitably envious of their consistency and intelligence. And what's with the feelings of insecurity with myself and jealousy over others. I gotta face it. If i aint got it, I aint got it...BUT! I've got other stuff. My PiaNo, mY poEms, mY paSsion for drawInG. YeT SomEhoW..I think I'm not a good SpoRtS person, I thiNK I'm noT a good artist, I think I'm not a good student, I think I'm not a good friend, I 'm not a good daughter or a good child of GoD. Am i really so BAD?

Recent events of the week have dragged me down quite a bit. All the tears. Are they worth it? Am I going to allow myself to be this weak all the time? Am I letting myself down? Where does my faith lie? Where did the strenght that my faith bestows vanish to? Why? Why allow myself to go through all this?! This VICIOUS cycle...of allowing some nobody to break whatever that's left of your self-esteem and pride? WHY WHY WHY?? Why am I such a fool? I appear resigned. But Deep down, I yearn to be a fighter. I will perservere. I must. Is the world that I'm currently living in real? Sometimes, i wish that i could choose all the beautiful events to happen in my life and simply eliminate all the ugly ones.

IF only i could give a genuine smile. And not force one out just to please.
IF only I could truly laugh, without thinking about how short-lived this happiness would probably be.
IF only I could turn back the hands of time, and redefine what I want my life to be. To live for myself. NOt for others.
IF only I could love a little more,
and receive a little more love,
how beautiful would such a life be?
I guess,
I may never find out.

it's funny how on some days, I get motivated to do my school work,
and on some days (read: almost EVERYday), I titally feel like giving up and just lay back and act cool.
Well, that's deceiving myself and being pretentious.

I feel selfish recently too.
Human nature is such.
We tend to be very selftish.
And i think that's one of the worst evils.
Because of selfishness,
people can turn very ugly.
Often,
selfishness is related to greed.
The satisfaction gained from having the upper hand in things-
be it in academics, business, decisions, and social circles,
is simply too good to reject.
And when U keep things to yourself and do things only in the name of 'self',
U find that ur world immediately shrinks by more than half.
U are so much more alone.
So much more NOT better off.
So much more miserable.

I guess my ramblings are boring readers off. I sound too much like a preacher and a pathetic soul...I must wax less lyrical.. and take more action..and i need LOTSA LOTSA LOTSA FAITH, STRENGTH, AND LOVE and HOPE to do that.ChEerS.