Of Friends.

I realise that I've been fairly out of focus of late. It's ironic. Not that I really expected. I expected myself to be more focused with the exams gone and looked forward to focusing all my energy solely on DB, piano and God. I would say that out of the three, I've succeeded in doing the first the best, and the last the worst.

It's funny how of late I've come to a realization that familiarity breeds distance in human relationships. It's like the "honey moon" period of friendship is gone and now you are just not so concerned about caring or understanding the person anymore. It's like you take each other for granted and find that you go back to thinking more about your own needs instead of others. It's like, once you know a person well enough and have established a certain level of 'friendship', you revert to your old comfort zone, you become selfish.

I've been struggling with this feeling of choosing to just treat it as a natural process of friendship. I have at several times felt compelled to conform with their thoughts, words and actions so as just to maintain their attention. Well, it usually doesn't work and I feel like I've just missed something better that God had planned for me. All this striving to fit in causes me to end up feeling more miserable. Sometimes, I just feel like knocking myself in the head and screaming at myself for being so stupid. How can I not see that God has set me apart and made me different so that I can be the difference in this corrupted world? Over time, I've come to desire the praises and attention of men more than my desire to be noticed and praised by God! I was brutally reminded of this point when I came across a passage (John 12:42-43)today on the way to practice. It said :

But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.

I'm not afraid to confess my faith as a Christian. But I was afraid of sharing spiritual stuff to certain people in the team. Most of the time, i will talk weng weng stuff to the people who were already Christians. I chose the easy way out. I made myself think that I'm doing God's work by building other christians up. But, was i guess I was just doing all these within my comfort zone. I think God meant for me to do more. I think He would prefer if I go talk to the "pharisees" about Him.

Well, its not that i didn't try, but my few weak attempts really deterred me from pressing on. I was always caught somewhere in the midst of explaning more about Christianity. It made me feel ashamed that I didn't know enough and that I appeared not fully convicted of my own faith. Well, I regret not saying that true faith doesn't require real world evidence to prove the existence of God. Otherwise, it wouldn't be faith at all!

Second point from the verses: loving praise from men more than from God. Well. This is really real in my life. I admit that I do yearn for praise from parents and friends so much so that I guess it has distracted me and shifted my focus away from God. Of course, I never, or rarely get the praises I long to hear. I love to hear people praising me not because I want to be recognised or something, but I just need to feel that I am appreciated and maybe, loved.

This is stupid act no. 2. Why pursue after men's praises and love when you have a Father in heaven who has freely given His love to you and delights in the smallest acts of faith that you do?

Well, I guess I have to focus back on God. If we strive so hard to do something well with our own strength and if the result is bad, we blame ourselves; if the result is good, we will want to claim all the 'glory' and praise. But God is missing from the picture! So I guess the solution to my problem is: in everything I do, honour God and follow what the spirit tells me to do, even if it means causing others to dislike me. Well, everyone's got to face the true reality, that God is the alpha and omega, some day. And since that day is fast- approaching, I realise I have no time to waste anymore!!! Time to CCI1!