Competency is in the eye of the beholder

It's funny how all this while I have been encouraging my friends on combating feelings of inadequacy while I happily thought that I would never feel inadequate any time soon. Things just seem too smooth sailing right now. OR rather, dangerously so. Perhaps the past few months have been short of challenges so much so that I cannot specifically say that I have passion for any area in my life anymore. No longer dragonboating, no longer running..now what am I supposed to look forward to?

Well, back to the issue of inadequacy, I felt really inadequate today at the meeting. Why so? Well, coz after looking at the super high quality works of the pro, I felt that the table that I had prepared was just so pathetic in comparison. And it was at the moment that I truly felt like I was a fish out of the water. I wanted to just go back down into the water, into my comfort zone, wishing that I didn't agree to this, wishing that I could join the choir instead.

But perhpas, as Min said, to be invited to undertake this role, though small as it seems, is already an indicationt that my creativity has been recognised. Then again, I somehow have this side feeling that its because I availed myself too much to props in the past. HAha....Nevertheless, I do like doing Art-related things. But I speak only with respect to painting-related things. Everytime I hold a paint brush, I feel confident and the rush of adrenaline. It's like the entire world belongs to me at that moment.

Recently, I realize that I like randomness and spontaniety. Or perhaps, it is just a matter of being unable to focus on one task till the finish. But then, when I know that there is a certain structure that I should follow, out of the need of upholdng my perfectionist reputation of sorts, I would choose to stick rigidly to the structure. But I don't like structures and organization. I need mess!!! It's unfortunate that human civilization is only 'civilization' because of a certain form organzation, a certain form of hierarchy. Even ants have their own hierarchies. Life in itself, at the level of a cell, already contains a whole plethora of organizations!

Right now I need only one mantra:
" I slave for God, not for man. In the end, the Salvations will glorify! "

(Now who cares if one wears shorts! C'mon, I am going to do tough labour underground. What else you'd expect?)