What to think?

I am so tempted to go into this whole episode of envying the opportunities that friends get to enjoy, despite sharing a different view on life, one which I thought would not get me anywhere. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps, I was worrying too early and being too uptight about life. That's why I am missing out on all the fun and golden opportunities..blah blah blah....

BUT!I don't want to be complaining or giving excuses for things that don't seem to be working out the way I expected it to be. I don't wish to be inward looking but somehow, the recent days have just been really tough living for me. Somehow, even though officially I know I am back to school doing my honours year, somehow, I feel like I am not ready to go into it. My feet seem to be still floating somewhere in the air, somewhere near the moon. ( Someone please tie a stone to my two feet now!)

Somehow, I don't mean to feel this way about things, but I can't help but feel that no one cares about me. Even though I know that God does, but I don't seem to be able to feel a sense of peace or security in knowing that my God cares for me. I find myself caught in a situation whereby I don't know to move backwards or forwards. So many times that sometimes, I really wish I could just give up everything and just give myself time to discover my true destiny in Christ. I do not wish to say that I am already tired but fact is, I am.

Going back to school and seeing my fellow peers, so sure about what they are doing, so relaxed and seemingly confident, I wonder how true are those laughters and smiles(especially that guy with the mushroom hair that is always at the front row of lecture and must always announce his presence by talking ever so loudly and annoyingly!). Then again there are those who are already done with their experiments long ago and I just wonder, what in the world have I been up to the past holidays?

But then again, I should be thankful to God for bringing me this far. Even though, the further I get, somehow, the more lost I am...

I just feel like crying out and saying I don't want any of this anymore. I don't want to be in school for another year, no not even another second! I don't know since when did it become a chore, a burden, a pain, to have the privelledge to study something that not everyone can study. God seems to be showing people that would have so loved to be doing what I am doing now but couldn't...


Well, even though I don't know where God is leading me, right now I just hope that He helps me to get back to reality and snap out of my disillusionment and confusion! I must stop thinking that people don't care. My life matters! I need to make my life count for God! I need to shut up,look up and out! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!