EMO.

Emo
Emo.
Emo.

A tuesday night.
The wind is howling outside the window
the thunder rumbles.
The lightning,
it shakes me.
A nasty feeling
that I do not want to feel.

The home.
Somehow.
With no one.
I'll just be programmed to be an eating machine.
Or an idle machine.
Palm on mouse.
Eyes on screen.
Food in mouth.
I keep clicking.
Clicking.
Nothing registers.
Moving images.
The drama of fiction.
Seeking life.
From a lifeless object.
What is this?

Deep within.
Is it really weeping?
Is it really so crushed?

Choosing to be solitary.
Is it a sin?
Choosing to be different.
And being different itself.
Is it a sin?
Identity in Christ.
Yes.
Identity in Christ.

I was glad that I was able to share about my faith during my trip to macau. And I was pleasantly surprised to find out that one of my team mates used to attend trinity. She told me several things that made her fall away from the christian faith and not want to attend cell group:

1) Fear of praying. Inability to 'match-up' to the cheem prayers of her cell members, who were serving in some area in the church. Basically, feeling inferior and left out.
2) Inability to "feel" God
3) Inability to commit to reading the bible

She experienced this not in trinity but in another church which she subsequently moved to.
As she told me here experience, I actually identified with it. And since I myself was going through the same things (like right now, I found it kindda tough to talk to her actually. Well, I encouraged her to talk to God, and read the bible and told her that a simple prayer will do for God. But that's about it. I felt that i could have said something better. Something more. I invited her to come to attend church but she said she would only come if some other team member came. We were all sitting at the same table having dinner. She didn't want to come and so it was left at that point. I felt unsettled. Why God. Why. Why always the same reasons. Always the same fear. What can I do to change this? Or maybe I should just say: wHy aren't you doing anything about all these people who have fallen away?

God. It hurts. I don't know why. I don't seem to know how to live life anymore. I desire alot God. But I don't want to face it. I desire to be spiritual too. I desire to make an impact and change the atmosphere of wherever I am at. But it seems that I'm too weak. I just feel like hidding and crying all the time. I feel like i can never get anything right. I need wisdom. I need understanding. I know I'm not going to get it if I keep sitting here and moping. But God. I just want to mop. I don't know why I am feeling that all is just a facade. And God I have a BIG question here.

Is there really such a thing as a 'spiritual high'?

Where a believer at a certain point in their life, especially when things are going in the positive direction for them, suddenly feel like they are very 'spiritual' and start doing all the 'spiritual' stuff? Is it for real? How long will this person last like this? How will you judge the heart of such a person? So what is being spiritual all about????

.silence.

A thought just surfaced.

I guess.

I'm growing at a different rate.

I hope so.

I so wish to see a tree full of fruits.

But now.

I just feel uprooted.

And dry.