Floatsam

the more I see her grow
the more my heart feels the pain
the more I want to run away.
This shouldn't be the way!
I should be happy for her.
But no.
I only find jealousy and a stubborn spirit.
Compare.Compare.Compare.
Never ending.
Striving.
To measure my worth.

What I do not have
I choose to hate
To keep my distance.

It seems less clear.
I'm just floating along
with no fixed trajectory
All is a blur
I float
and I float.

Spirituality.
What?
Did someone say that we are all supposed
to be spiritual?
Yes.
I think I heard it.
But.
Hey.
Can we not overdo it?
I can't seem to tolerate all this
"God spoke to me"
"God impressed upon my heart"
"God showed me"
yada yada yada.
The more I'm surrounded by such spiritual beings
the greater the inner struggle.
The greater the pain.
Pain.
Because I have not what they have.
So I choose to hate what I do not have.

And so.
I just float.
I need answers.